Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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