when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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