she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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