Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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