i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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