You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
