Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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