i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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