just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
