I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
