Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
