Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Randomize
