she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
