When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
