I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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