his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize