went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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