I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
