Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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