So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
