How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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