There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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