plz talk dirty to me
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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