remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
The beer is more important than you right now.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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