Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Randomize
