Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
