I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
