I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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