Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
