Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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