my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
