i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Liz is crying about burritos again.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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