i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize