My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Just puked most of my soul out..
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
