Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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