Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
