It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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