There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Randomize
