so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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