2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
