somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
He told me they were just razor bumps!
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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