just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
