Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
