Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Brb crying the tears of my youth
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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