mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
