ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
