I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
