Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
