Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
