i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize