My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
