I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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