this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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