just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
