one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
pray to the hookup gods
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
