I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
