they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
