We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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