Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize