Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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