I have demons in me.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I pour the whiskey from now on
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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