yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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