The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
