1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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