Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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